Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
