cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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