He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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