i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
