If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
