I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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