Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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