Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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