I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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