just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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