I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
