i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
