She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
