I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
