too bad you live with your parents still
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
