Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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