I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
