My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Sorry my hands just texted you
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
