I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
In America we eat man semen.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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