There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
