I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
