She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
