My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
