that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
