Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
