If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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