Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
