You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
lol hangovers are for mortals.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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