My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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