she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
