he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
