my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
