The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
