dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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