he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
