I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I smell like Dick and happiness
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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