I'm really into asian looking animals
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I touched a dick in church today
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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