I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
