I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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