someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
babies were throwing up all over the place
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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