Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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