the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
