true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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