I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
