So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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