I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
