is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Randomize
