I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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