There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
