I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
