I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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