Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wish you could order shots online.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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