Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
