proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
