It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
i think i just lost a toe
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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