Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
